Life After Divorce: I Miss Sharing the Load
Imagine working a long hard day and it’s finally time for bed. You do your nightly routine, you get dressed in your comfiest night clothes, and you slide under your soft comforter and sweetly drift off to sleep.
THEN…
Out of nowhere…
Someone walks in your room and YANKS the tightly tucked cover off of you, jolting you awake without so much as a warning.
Now, there you lay, shocked, angry, confused, cold….and vulnerable. Worse yet, the person standing over you with your cover in hand is someone who knows just how much you needed to get some rest. However, with no other options you get up and find a way to make it through your day despite the surge of emotions invading your mind.
That’s divorce.
My circumstance was especially shocking. Everything seemed to happen all at once…then it was over.
But, now that i’m on the other side…I’ve been feeling uncovered.
It’s weird because almost a year post-separation and after being officially divorced for a minute, I NOW feel uncovered.
I know God is first and foremost my covering. Even to a more practical level, I have wonderful sisters in Christ who make sure I am in good standing and check in on me. However, if I’m honest, it’s not the same. They don’t fulfill the same needs and desires a spouse does.
Biblically, women are to exemplify wifehood before becoming a wife to any man, and yet, my whole wife self is out here husbandless!!
All jokes aside, no one talks about how real that is. I went from having a life partner to share the load with, to now carrying most, if not all, of the load on my own. As a result, I am MUCH more tired on a daily basis and I have to fit things into my lifestyle and schedule that I did not have to before (while running a business and making time for me). Needless to say, I don’t always hit the mark. Some weeks are better than others, and some days I do the bare minimum.
Let’s be clear, I have no desire for my ex-husband to fill this void, that’s the past. However, I have surprisingly found myself talking to God more about a future spouse. God promised me in the very beginning of all of this that I my latter will be greater than my former; that my desire to be a wife to a faithful husband and mother to Godly children would be met. I didn’t really believe I would see a day where I would even consider being with someone new, but now…all of a sudden I am. As much as people admire my perceived strength, I can’t keep this up. I was created for partnership; covenant. I was created to be safely submitted under a covering; it’s a desire as natural as wanting food when I’m hungry.
PUMP YA BRAKES!!
Your girl isn’t quite ready yet! If my preparation for marriage was compared to pregnancy I’m having some Braxton Hicks contractions. There’s some sensation and the body is practicing what will eventually be, but there’s still some inner development taking place.
I’m submitting myself to God and wise counsel and allowing God to confront some areas of my heart so I can healthily love my [future] husband and children with no reservation.
I feel uncovered right now and my days feel shorter than the things I need accomplished. However, I’m pressing on towards the mark and remaining confident in this: He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it until the day Christ returns.
In the meantime, I guess these blankets will have to wrap a little tighter.
Are you divorced? What has your “Life After Divorce” been like? Any encouraging words for those going through? Comment below! I’d love to hear from you!
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