7 Tips for Crushing Your Engagement

7 Tips for Crushing Engagement
(Because I Almost Let Mine Crush Me)

One of the greatest moments of my entire life was the day I unexpectedly got engaged on February 28th, 2016 (he got me GOOD!).  I’ll never forget how I felt.  It was a mixture of awe, disbelief, love, excitement, and the beginnings of a heart attack.  So, I basically looked something like:

It was absolutely amazing! Fast forward like 3 hours and that’s when things got real and they stayed real until August 5th.  I don’t know what it is about marriages and funerals, but they bring out the absolute worst in people, including yourself.  Listen, I took no time in failing at engagement, and engagement, seemingly, held nothing back from me.  Through the entire process, however, I learned a lot and it help set the foundation for my marriage.  I want to help you be successful in your engagement and not make the same mistakes I made, so here are a list of tips to help you navigate your way to the alter as smoothly as possible.

1.       TAKE YOUR TIME!!!

We had, what most consider, a short engagement due to me getting into grad school.  I still don’t regret that (although I really wanted to get married Labor Day weekend).  What I do regret, though, is allowing my time crunch to force me into making decisions.  We were being laughed out the door by event places all around Atlanta because things were booked up years in advance and here we are looking only 5 months in advance.  We would book a place and they would drop out on us, or be out of budget, or not provide everything we needed for the day.  It was frustrating and, truthfully, scary because some days I didn’t know if we could pull it off.  Everything ended up working out, but there were some things I wish I would’ve waiting out on regardless of the time crunch. And, truth be told, my husband told me several times to chill out and wait because he was confident we could do better.  Do not settle unless it’s for very minor things.  If you want a particular look or venue, hold out for it because you don’t want to look back and say, “what if.”

2.       Your bridal party needs to be VERY carefully selected

I was never the type of girl who already had her wedding pre-planned since she was little.  However, I did know who I wanted to be my bridesmaids and they were some of my very closest friends.  To make a long story short, I lost 4 bridesmaids in the process, argued with family about who should be added, there was some tension between some of the bridesmaids, some had issues with money, some didn’t like the dress I chose, some couldn’t make certain deadlines, etc.  Some of those things are out of your control, but what is in your control is who you select. Do not just select people because they’re related to you or because you like them.  Select them because you know that through this planning and engagement process they are: dependable, good decision makers, will cover you spiritually, and instead of bringing drama to the process, they will shield you from it.  The bigger your wedding party is, the harder it will be to keep cohesion.  Lastly, (and arguably most importantly) make sure they are aware of the possible financial and physical costs associated with being in your wedding.  Do a cost analysis and make a list of expectations so people can evaluate, up front, whether they can or cannot be a part. (SN: you don’t have to have a full on bridal party, just sayin’!)

3.       Budget should be the first thing you do

Don’t talk about flowers, don’t talk about guest lists, don’t talk about colors, NOT ONE THING, until you do budget.  At least a general one.  Write down what you are willing to spend overall, then make a list of what is most important to both of you.  Next to those items, decide together what you’re willing to spend to make sure those things happen.  This will take some compromise and negotiation, but it is an important task and one that will help you make decisions moving forward.  It will also teach you the art of sacrifice and teamwork very early on.

4.       Keep dating

Engagement can be hard on your relationship because everything feels like it becomes about the wedding.  Mike got so tired of hearing about the wedding he pretty much stopped getting excited about it.  I felt like I had to keep talking about it because we had so many decisions to make in such a brief time.  We decided to have non-wedding days where we just watched TV, went out to eat, or just hung out like normal humans.  It helped us to enjoy that season and gave us a much-needed break from the brain-drain that is wedding planning. 

5.       Have a personal outlet

I think this speaks for itself.  The same way you set aside time for your relationship, make a daily or weekly schedule for yourself that gives you time to do something that is calming and soothing to you.  Get your nails done, read a chapter of a good book, catch a movie, get your hair done, SLEEP, anything.  In addition, have a designated venting person who will listen to you complain about deadlines and let you cry when you’re feeling overwhelmed. I had a tribe of about 3 people (my wedding planners!) who knew EVERYTHING I was struggling with during my engagement, and I needed them because, honestly, without them I would have lost my sanity.

6.       Pre-marital counseling should be a must

Pre-marital counseling, pretty much, made our marriage.  We were able to address so much and receive some good advice from our Pastor and his wife.  It does not have to be from a religious person, there are counseling professionals who offer marital counseling as well.  Many locations, including churches, may offer sessions on a sliding scale based on both of your incomes. Don’t skip out on this though, it is PARAMOUNT.

7.       Whatever it is, your family will get over it

…and if not, oh well.  In-laws, and even your own family, seem to be the most demanding (based on my experience, this is a nice way of saying it) people in the wedding planning process.  In the midst of the increasing demands and maybe even threats of non-support, I urge you to stay strong.  There are going to be moments where you can compromise so that others can feel part of your big day, but those moments can’t be every time your mom/dad/sister/aunt/MIL doesn’t like something.  It’s okay to say no! Practice saying it in the mirror every day, let it become your friend.  At the end of the wedding, no one will care anymore, and you’ll be more satisfied with the results because you didn’t let anyone bully you. Everyone will get back to normal and you’ll be able to recognize them again.  The way you get to remember your wedding is just as important as the day because those last longer.  Do you want to remember how many times you said yes, or how everything went the way you and your fiancé wanted?

I could probably write a book on engagement based on my experience alone!  It can either be the greatest time of your life or the most stressful.  We had a lot of elements present during our engagement, but a few things really held me together: my then-fiancé, solid friends, and this free devotional by Lindsay T. Hall, The Sweet Christian Bride: A Bride's Devotional.   I randomly found this devotional during a time that I was holding on to my last thread.  It spoke to every single concern or issue I was having at the time and helped me stay connected to God.  I recommend it to every bride I can, so check it out!

All in all, YOU CAN DO THIS!! There are some amazingly beautiful moments in the engagement process, enjoy every moment you can because you’ll never have it again.

Married? Engaged? I want to hear from you! Comment any tips or issues you had/have during your engagement!