When We're Good and Ready
When We're Good and Ready
Since Mike and I announced our engagement we started getting the good ole
“Gonna be working on those babies soon, huh!” comments
After we got married……it got much, MUCH worse. We legit didn’t go a day without someone asking myself or Mike when we’re having kids. It was funny at first in a like not-really-funny kind of way, but then it just got annoying. My mom asked because everyone was asking her, my grandma (whom Iove with all my heart) kept asking because…she’s my grandma, and friends kept asking because they were ready to be “aunties.” Anytime I posted ANYTHING that alluded to good news OR me not feeling well, people commented with the two eye emojis awaiting, with bated breath, for the revelation to come out. They were never right.
Things got so out of hand at one point that Mike took to Facebook to let the masses know to stop asking.
I know most people are well meaning, but the implications of pregnancy pushing can be more detrimental than funny or…..whatever people’s intentions are.
Here’s why:
1. While we were in premarital counseling, our Pastor advised us to take time to have a conversation about our expectations regarding various marital issues/topics. During that conversation we pretty much squared away how many children we would like and a preferred time to start trying (but you know…many are the plans of man). We have told some people our preferred timeline so they know not to hold their breaths. We haven’t reached our desired time yet, and you asking (or warning) us to start early won’t change that. Also, if at some point we surpass the time we hope for we still don’t have a child, constant questioning can add shame or additional disappointment to the mélange of sadness and feelings of inadequacy that many couples feel when they experience fertility challenges. Or maybe we changed our minds. Either way, it’s OUR choice.
2. Sometimes it can cause tension in our marriage when people ask. I’m sure most married ladies can attest to the fact that though you may have a plan on when you want kids, your baby-fever meter can shift depending on what’s going on. For example, you guys may be having a blissful month and you think, “you know, this wouldn’t be a terrible time” or your husband gets a promotion and he starts thinking that maybe you guys can squeeze it in the budget if it were to happen. Often, only one of you have this feeling at a time. So when someone asks the question, it puts just enough in the ear of the desiring partner to make them think about it a little harder while the other person vehemently declines the notion. It can be hurtful to the desiring partner that their spouse is not on the same page and perhaps even spur some offense. In addition, some couples enter seasons where the mismatch of desire for children is a constant issue, and your voice in the matter only adds fuel to the fire.
3. I’m insecure about my ability to be a mom. I grew up an only child and I wasn’t around a lot of babies. Most of my cousins are around my age and when we moved away from family, I spent time with kids in my peer group or older. I didn’t really have a lot of experience with kids until I started working my [extremely] part-time job watching kids at a gym. My lack of experience and desire to pinch the cheeks of the baby in front of me at the store make me feel like I don’t have this seemingly innate motherly instinct. I’ve never even had a pet that wasn’t a goldfish (which all died within a week). There is nothing about me that screams mother of the year. My husband on the other hand is a baby magnet. Babies flock to him. I’m not even kidding, here is a picture a friend took of him after church
it’s hilarious and endearing, but it’s not me. I don’t have all the cool nicknames or the fun hand games, and I have a limit on how much kid time I can have because kids wear me out after a while. But truthfully, I secretly fear that my kids will love their dad more than their mom because I’m not “cool” or whatever. I'm nurturing in my own way, but I don’t know if it’s the way I’ll need to be for my own child. So, when people ask, they resurface the millions of questions I have about how the title of “mother” will fit me.
*transparent moment* A few weeks ago I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I vividly remember my heart racing out of my chest prior to deciding to take the test and praying to God for the grace to do this if it came out positive. I was spared this time and grateful, but I also walked away from the situation with a twinge of disappointment for reasons I can’t fully understand. Trust me, I want a child, we want a child. Just not right now. And probably not when you're thinking either. We're young and want to enjoy our marriage for as long as we can.
If you got nothing else from this post, simply put: IT’S NACHO UTERUS! Just wait for us to tell you. It’ll be more fun that way.
Thoughts on pregnancy pushing or want to share your own experiences? Comment below! I'd love to hear!