6 Things No One Told You About Marriage
6 Things No One Told You About Marriage
(Or Told You Wrong)
When you get engaged (all my married ladies can attest to this), EVERYONE YOU KNOW EVER becomes a certified marital expert. From your friend that’s been single for 8 years, to the sweet old lady at church who’s been married 78 years, to the jaded coworker who has been divorced 3 times….ERRBODY! It can be redundant, overwhelming at times, and just straight up aggravating. They probably mean well but while you’re trying to process this huge life change, plan an event for too many people, and probably already go to premarital counseling, the last thing you want is unwarranted advice. On top of it being unwarranted, sometimes it’s not really a complete visual of what marriage looks like. So, here is a list of some of the things no one REALLY prepared me for or told me:
1. Marriage is fun!
One of the ladies at my church told me that marriage, especially at first, was like a fun sleepover party, and it truly has been. Mike and I have always had a very fun relationship. However, not many people told me that marriage is like a fun little club that only you two are in. Mike and I have inside jokes, we play games (we’re both super competitive!) and really are best friends! We genuinely have a great time together and can stay home and keep each other company with no problem. We have other couple friends and I think on some deep psychological level we hang out with them as a way of sharing our relationship with others lol! That’s not to say that we don’t have our issues, because we do! However, a great strength in our marriage is our ability to laugh and enjoy each other’s company. As a matter of fact, it is this quality that builds our resilience through the tough moments.
I say this with the utmost care: if your marriage doesn’t have an element of fun, you’re doing it wrong. Learn about each other, find common ground, and plan/do things around those commonalities.
2. Picking your battles will save your life
As a woman in the modern era the thought of not speaking my mind makes me itch. I told myself that I needed to speak out against everything Mike did that I didn’t like because if I didn’t look out for me, who would? And if I didn’t teach him how to treat me straight out the gate then I was going to be miserable 30 years later.
If you’re married you’re probably laughing because you know that ain't how this works!
But, truth be told, I was scared that marriage would take my voice and that I would be taken advantage of…….ouch!
Needless to say, my carefully crafted plan shattered to pieces by month three. For one, it was exhausting!! For two, my husband wasn’t having it!
[Side note: To my single ladies, get you a man that will call you out on your mess. Iron sharpens iron, not plastic.]
He let me know TOO quick that he was not going to allow me to constantly criticize him. Who was I to nitpick for the sake of my own comfort in the relationship, not once considering how it made him feel? This was new for both of us.
More practically, I have learned the art of the shrug. Before I push on a topic, sometimes I stop and think to myself, “Is this so pressing and important that I would be willing to risk our peace if it isn’t resolved?” If the answer is no, I shrug and keep it moving.
3. Team work makes the dream work
I’m getting better at this one. I didn’t realize how much of an individualistic person I was until I had to share my whole life with someone. From the time we were engaged I was constantly challenged with the task of working with my husband and not against him. I really think that a team mentality in marriage is vital. From a teamwork perspective you view your spouse as your partner in carrying this marriage thing out. So, when you disagree you don’t see it as his side and her side; you approach it from a collaborative lens: How are we going to attack this issue? Practice working with your spouse. Play games that require you to work together, talk through problems in a calm and strategic way, and do something tangible (written sign in your bedroom, wifi password, make a t-shirt, anything) that reminds you that you’re on the same team.
#TeamOfili
4. Sex ain't (always) easy!
Plenty of TV shows tried to warn us on this one. Every family sitcom would joke about how your sex life is over after you get married or how people go for weeks and months without any action. If you’re like me you would hear these comments and jokes and go
WEEKS?! MONTHS!!? HOW SWAY!!!!!!!! Especially when you’re abstinent! You wonder how people take such a thing for granted.
Oh, my sweet, sweet friend……I now know how. Now, don’t get it twisted! We have a healthy sex life. But, let Mike have a work assignment that causes him to stay on the computer at home for a while, I have an assignment to do, or we have a busy couple of weeks between church, work, internship, and school, and you have a quick and easy recipe for, “Oh crap! When’s the last time we had sex!?”
On top of time, your body can be your own worst enemy in the sex department. Some people have different issues when it comes to their reproductive systems, including but not limited to pain during intercourse or lack of desire no matter how much you try. In addition, stress or relationship issues cause you to cling tighter to your spouse or push away. Regardless of the reason, for the sake of your marriage you HAVE to push through sometimes and engage. Sex is a very important part of a marriage; don’t treat it like its disposable.
5. You’ll think of divorce
I know I know. Maybe not in a for real, "go get papers" kind of way, but it does come up.
When Mike and I were dating and during our engagement I told myself over and over that it would never happen with us and that people who did it gave up too easy. I told myself I wouldn’t even so much as think of the word, much less say it. One year and a bad argument later and I’m looking at my husband like he’s an alien from Jupiter. It shocked me at first. I felt so guilty for even thinking the word divorce. After going into a moment of hysteria, I realized that I was just reacting from a natural instinct of fight or flight. It was then I realized how fragile marriage is. It was sobering and a huge reminder that if we were going to make it, we needed God to keep us. Look, the word will probably come across your mind. Don’t freak out, you’re okay. Use that moment as an opportunity to pray and call a wife that you trust to give you sound advice. You’ll survive past the thought, I promise.
6. Marriage is work
Okay okay, this one EVERYONE told me, however, they didn’t tell me what that actually meant. I thought it just meant that I had to put forth effort. I figured as long as I made dinner, spent quality time, made sure our home was decent, and tried my best not to argue, that I was doing the “work.” But
I was sadly mistaken!
The kind of work that marriage requires is basically supernatural. I’m talking choosing to just LIKE each other today work. Like not screaming when the dishes still aren’t done work. Like “did you forget to ____ again!?” work. Like KNOWING for an actual FACT that your spouse is wrong (in a non-detrimental/life altering way) about something and saying a simple, “okay” work. Like having to compromise on something HUGE and still having a smile on your face because you know it’s for the best WERK!! Like being made aware (as marriage is known to do) of your own bad habits or communication patterns and remaining mindful of them every time you open your mouth…..work. From the time I open my eyes next to this man until the time I fall asleep I have to make choice, after choice, after precious choice to be loving, kind (in word and deed), intentional, and aware.
THAT is the work required. Some days I work hard enough for a raise, and other days I miss the mark. However, every day I do it with God. It’s the only way I know how.
What are some things no one warned you about before marriage? Comment below!