Freedom From Perfection

I am constantly on Pinterest for the sake of finding new recipes and looking at home décor ideas for a home I don’t own. Nevertheless, I taunt myself. I think to myself, “I can do that,” while also know full well I cannot. Have you ever tried a Pinterest home décor idea or recipe and it failed miserably? The sting of inadequacy hits you at the exact moment that you used up all your supplies from Michael’s and your handmade tufted headboard looks like a pile of random fabric that you stapled together because… it is, and you did (can you tell this is from a real experience?). If you’re like me, you wonder who the heck the perfect housewives are who actually know how to do this stuff? And then, what makes it worse is that they have the AUDACITY to call it “easy.” The nerve!

Anyways, Pinterest, like Relationship Goals, and the “do this to be wifey material” posts on Facebook have a way of making women feel like we’re just not good enough. There’s this idealized woman that we are “supposed” to be like and everyday we strive to be her and fall short. But…who is she? Where did she come from? Is she even real? Answers: Nobody. Society. No. It’s fabricated, ladies.

I spent the first year of my marriage trying to be like wives I knew. I would take one aspect of their lives and made it my mission to do those things. For example, I knew one wife who got up early to help her husband get ready for work. So, I thought I had to do that too. Mind you, Mike used to wake up at 4:45/5 AM EVERY SINGLE DAY in order to get ready and drive his hour and a half commute to the ‘burbs for a project he was on. If you’ve know me for any period of time, you are cracking up because you KNOW I am not a morning person in the slightest. I wake up because I have to, not just for fun. Y’all, I never woke up with him and I felt like crap about myself every day. Here’s another, I know a wife who never says no to sex. So, I thought I had to do that too. The first week of our marriage I was in so much pain I could barely stand it. After that, I started grad school…. I’m just gonna leave it at that. But, I felt like a bad wife whenever I said no because “good wives” gave in no matter what.

My guilt got so bad, I started apologizing to Mike about everything every day because I repeatedly did not live up to the unattainable standard I had set for myself. After my tenth time of apologizing for not having packed him a lunch, Mike finally looked at me and said, “I’m fine! You’re the only one who cares about this and you’re stressing yourself out for no reason.”

Revelation came that day, my friends. Here’s what I realized: being a “good” or “bad” wife has nothing to do with anything. The real point to ponder is whether or not I am a wife who is attune to my family’s needs and responding to them in the way that best benefits them. See, I believe that God specifically called and ordained me for the family I have and the family I will create. Meaning: I’m the best one for this job. My job is not to look like a good wife to everyone else, but rather to be the wife Mike needs me to be, which happens to be the wife that I am. He married me because, of all the woman in the world, he found the one that best meets his needs. Your husband may feel most cared for when you make him lunch every day, so make an effort to do that. Mine couldn’t care less. However, it does matter to him that I do most of the cooking, so I try my best to do that. Biblically, there are only a few specific mandates we have as wives including: be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1), being intentional about intimacy (1 Corinthians 7), and to submit (Ephesians 5) (not an exhaustive list). My husband cares way more about whether I hear him when he speaks, than he does if I scrubbed the house top to bottom. Now, what I’m not saying is to be okay with a dirty house as long as the kids are happy and your husband is cool. In our hearts, we should have a desire to keep our homes decent and to tangibly provide for our families (Titus 2). However, what I am saying is let’s focus on being the wives our families need us to be, instead of the ones society tells us. After all, society doesn’t live in your house, but your husband does.

How have you managed through "wifespectations" and relationship goals? Comment below!